We finished September off in such a sweet way with an extra end of summer cleanup and swim! As we moved into October and fall I’ve been feeling this pull to touch base again, to just kinda remember the hope and intention behind all of this.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the research side of what I do, the part I don’t really share much about. For the last six years I’ve been gathering data from people in communities around the world, mostly around youth and the impact of trauma. Community trauma, individual trauma, family trauma. Every few months I document certain things and I’m hoping that after ten years (so four-ish more to go) there will be a little more evidence to show how these patterns pain and healing actually move through generations.
The idea I keep circling back to is that if there were more resources, personal and communal, that really got to the root of trauma we’d start to see long term shifts. People would begin to know how much they matter. When someone realizes they are needed, when they actually know that their presence and what they bring to the metaphorical table makes a difference, something changes.
I think I just needed to share that again because even though it’s always in my mind it’s not something I talk about often. It’s really what shapes everything I do. The cleanups are one of the most tangible ways I get to live that out.
Two years ago I had the chance to learn from Nicole, and her care for the ocean and for people felt so parallel to mine. That’s when it clicked for me that the trauma I study in people isn’t so different from what’s happened to the world itself. So many needs unmet. So many quick fixes instead of real care. What does it look like to make space for the wound, to be able to identify it, to actually start moving forward differently.
October has been our first month off from our big community cleanups since we started in March 2024 and it’s given me a lot of time to think. The cleanups have been this really hands-on way for me to learn. Before even starting, I was honestly kind of defeated by how much trash there was. My brain went straight to all the questions… why can’t people clean up after themselves, why doesn’t the city do more, why do companies make products with so much waste, and while all those questions matter, they kept me from asking the harder one…what’s my role in this?
I started looking into the cleanest cities in the world. Singapore, Zurich, Copenhagen, Helsinki, Wellington. What makes them different then the cities with the most trash like Manila, Cairo, Lagos, Mumbai, New York. The cleanest ones are usually places where people AND the systems and structures hold high value of caring for their surrounding while the others are often packed with movement and people coming and going all the time.
So is it a people problem, yes. Is it a corporation problem, yes. Is it a government problem, always haha. Is it a value problem, one hundred percent.
If people really believed in their own value, if they trusted that what they did mattered, we’d see something different.
It’s so easy to get mad when I see people leave bottles behind, I’ve been there a million times. That kind of anger never leads to any real change, it just builds resentment. What actually shifts something is when my own mindset began to truly transform. I could’ve been that person leaving the bottles too. I think about the teachers and people in my life who told me I’d end up on the streets or in jail. I know what it feels like to not believe I matter and I know what it’s like to be given the freedom to believe something else, that who I am isn’t defined by what I’ve done or where I’ve come from. It’s so much bigger than that.
A couple weeks ago I got to meet up with Tammy, a mentor and advisor of mine. We went over some of the things that went well this past year and some of the areas I was struggling with. We took a look at this next year and some of the hard decisions I have to make. Tammy gently called me on something, “I notice you are using the word failing a lot… I am just wondering why.” Of course, I immediately felt that wave of emotion come over me…you know, the one that shows up when someone sees that part of you that you didn’t realize anyone really would.
Unpacking that brought to the surface that although I am truly thankful I get to do this work, and I truly believe that God is moving and working through me, I still hold a lot of fear that I am failing people, failing the vision, THIS is the cycle of trauma.
I guess this is the beauty of the work I get to do…it’s always personal. I cannot invite others into transformation without continually going through it myself. I cannot create safe spaces without continually becoming safe in my own space. I cannot extend grace or hope or belonging without learning to accept it for myself first. An ongoing, never-ending, beautiful, fricken hard, and transformative process and a reminder of why understanding the importance of whyyy understanding the core of trauma matters so much.
ANYWAYS that was a long update on the inner workings and I just want to leave you with a little consideration to carry with you:
Next time you find yourself angry or upset with something or someone in the world I want to challenge you to sit with it for just a little longer than what you’re comfortable with. I want to ask you WHY you feel upset, what is at the core of that, and rather than deflecting blame on who’s fault it is I want you to ask yourself what is your role in it? How can you use your gifts, your story, your circumstances, your resources to care more deeply for whatever is at the core of that frustration. Trauma cycles continue when that inflicted pain gets ignored or redirected. When we point fingers instead of looking inward. Transformation begins in those moments when we ask what our role is and choose to respond differently. When we let compassion interrupt the pattern.
a little glimpse from summer
6 cleanups, 12 coworks, wonderful collaborations, and so much connection!